t

Is this some sick joke?

Are you having fun?

Watching me read the message

As my jaw drops

Just like my heart that I pretend doesn’t exist

As I stand up and close my door

And fall against the wall

And burst into tears

As I pretend I’m not hurting 

As I yell into the air

As I’m begging why this is happening 

Why it’s happening to me

Why it always happens to me

Begging to know if I should keep trying

I’m begging whether it’s ever going to happens

Begging to know that it won’t ever happen

Just begging and pleading

Because I’ve cried for this one too many times

I tell myself I don’t have anymore tears to shed

And then hear I am on the floor

Holding on to my sanity

Trying to get out all the pain before someone walks in

I dry the tears

I look in the mirror 

I tell myself

“Look how happy you are. You’re always okay. At least everyone wants you to be so you are.”

And you smile.

And you walk out of your room.

And you pretend nothing happened.

And you shut out your heart against

And you just stop feeling again.

All this time, you didn’t know what your trigger was–

He was your trigger.