b12

Hey I totally understand and that’s fine. But can I ask you something? Well I’m gonna ask and if you don’t respond then I guess that’s my answer. But when we got into whatever this was, what was it for? Friendship? Beneficial? I just wanna know where I went wrong. Because I haven’t cared for anyone in a while and this hurts even though I know it’s what’s best. Because it’s fine but it’s not because all I wanna do is cry. And because I know you don’t even care.

Why would you try to kiss me knowing you just wanted to be friends? You knew it would be my first kiss.

Why did you have to tell me you liked me? Why?

Are we actually gonna be friends? Or am I just gonna sit around putting all the effort to keep a friendship going on while you just drop me.

You tell me I fucked your feelings up. You fucked my feelings up. You screwed with me. Fuck you. I cared so fucking much and I was so scared but I tried because you made me feel something I’ve never felt. You made me want to give you my first kiss. You made me want a relationship. So to think you knew I was scared of someone leaving, it’s really hurtful you would do this. But what really hurts is if I kissed you that night, you would’ve left knowing it would break me. And I think that says all I need to know about the kind of person you are. So thanks for helping me dodge a bullet. But thanks for reminding me why I don’t care. Cause I already feel myself shutting down. I wanna do anything and everything just to forget your name. Your face. Your smile, your laugh. Your touch and the way you made me feel. 

I hope in 2 years I’m over you and you’re still into me. But I don’t. Because I don’t want you to feel the way I do right now. 

It’s funny cause when I read it I didn’t feel anything and I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. But as I typed this, I couldn’t stop balling my eyes out because I was accepting how I felt. I was accepting that I actually cared for somebody and they broke my heart. 

“maybe it was more your fear of vulnerability than mine but I put myself out there, I let you see a vulnerable part of me and you couldn’t be real enough with me to do the same?” 

I’m not going to wait for someone who just wanted to play with my feelings.